dizzy up my solid state of mind

recently

2006-02-23T03:51:49Z

things are going pretty well.
im playing the field.. sort of. lol. its kind of wierd i guess.. i just dont feel like being tied down and im pretty much looking to meet some new people and make new friends out of it. make sense?

im playing soccer again :] it makes me happy. no more torn quads!!
hope everyone else is doing well.
LOve.

thestraydexter @ 2006-02-01T22:00:00

2006-02-02T03:08:45Z

heffer.. im definetly becoming one..
*has a [terretts] attack of cuss words* lol.

reason being:
-i havent been working out because ive been hurt..
-ive been wiping out whole bags and containers of
chips and dip for lunch every other day!!!! :[

p.s.
idk if she cares, but i miss rroo and i talking..
<3

woooooooooooo.

2006-01-26T19:49:50Z

they said yes!!!!!!!
im happy now :]

death to traitors.

2006-01-24T03:01:31Z

between today and this thursday,
a yes or no could alter my life..

if the no does happen then i really
believe that i'll become clinically
depressed.. this pretty much sucks.

[please let them say yes..]

so you say the presents just a pleasant interruption to the past..

2006-01-17T18:57:01Z

or is it?!

im reitterating a statement that most of you havent ever heard me say anyways:

'and what would we be if change never took place..?'
there it is - plain and simple.
i think this is a new outlook on life for me.. or something somewhat like it..
idk.

yea, im binging on food right now so that maybe i can start gaining/building
muscle instead of losing weight and people telling me that im even skinnier
than i was before..
damnit.

yea and i have to finish reading the first act of Hamlet by tomorrow!! ugh.
damn shakespearian/elizabethian english!

ok ok, enough damning.. heh.
dont be a hater.

that day we almost didn't skip..heh.

the start of a rebellion.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/thestraydexter/100_0927.jpg

bahahaha. LOve.

the end.

thestraydexter @ 2006-01-12T19:44:00

2006-01-13T01:10:54Z

boys. ew.
lol.

thestraydexter @ 2006-01-10T02:42:00

2006-01-10T07:45:56Z

i dont even know why the fuck i feel this way.
i know enough about him to want to know more
and want to give up my time to find out..
but he seriously knows close to zero about me
so why the fuck would i want this to go any
further?!?!?! he could give a flying fuck and
i shouldnt care. my time is worth more than
enduring this.. i dont deserve it, but maybe
i do..

[karma]

yea yea yea i must suck.

2006-01-10T07:33:51Z

i hate feeling right about something that i dont want to end up right..
but it usually turns out that way.
i usually answer my own questionable conversations..and i was right
all along..
i hate having crushes. because i dont have crushes.
like..i dont ever get crushes and i have one.
but its going down the drain.
i hate feeling like ive always only been wanted by one person..
not that its bad but i want to try something new with someone
that i actually am attracted to...but that never seems to work for me..
i like someone because i think that theyre beautiful and amazing..and i
want to know more about them and i want him to want to know more about
me but i doubt it would happen because hed probably go ADD on me..
but i seem to know that they couldnt feel more opposite about me
and i kinda want to scream and i want to tell him how i feel about the
situation but i hate handing things out..and i will not call him so hes
gonna have to do it - if it even happens..and then ill probably get
aggrivated and frustrated because guys usually act like they have no idea
that somethings wrong.. or if they ask because they seem to know they just
realize that you arent talking as much as you usually do and what not.
and i hate being mean..because i am a really big hearted and caring individual
but when something bothers me this much - which isnt often..i want to talk
about it..so i guess thats why im venting to fucking live journal. wtf?
AHHHHH. i hate feeling like im not good enough for someone.. im trying to
figure out if its karma but how could it be when its never gone the right
way for me to begin with..? i hate feeling like i could be something special
for someone but they wont give me a chance.. now i know how eugene feels and
damnit im sorry but im just too stupid to give you a chance. but this isnt
even about eugene. its about someone else who zones off when i wish he wouldnt.
*sigh* this sucks even though its my fault for getting too deep to myself.
he doesnt even know.. he has a clue but i doubt hed hold on to it long enough
to realize how i feel..

so i wish things were different...to a point.

2005-09-30T17:11:44Z

so i went on my myspace this afternoon..and i saw that amy had left me a comment..
it made me sad..

why?

because it brought back a lot of memories and now im an emotional wreck persay.

she and i and carrie and everybody used to be sooo close and now what are we?

basically, weve all gone our separate ways..

we have strayed on those paths less taken to make our own ways through high school but where has it gotten us? where? it has gotten us no where really..
yea we have new friends and we do other things but what happened to our group?!
i def. have photo albums full of pictures from the many times we went trick or treating together and when i thought my mom called amy a homo instead of a hobo. and from when she and i were super heros..sigh..where the days/years have gone..i dont like it.

i remember when we all got in a fight at the 7th grade cats blast dance over ben lambert and a bracelet, i remember us being outcasts down on the soccer field with jonathan aun and carl morse..but we didnt care cuz we thought each other were the coolest kids around.., i remember tacky day and toe socks and braided pigtails, and being a major dork. and i was fine with that but i still went down a different path just like everyone else..and idk why..

i remember books a million almost every night during stablers class..to study and just because.., i remember soccer and how amy and i were inseperable? and i remember halloween when we all dressed up like x-men and how we never missed the opening night when the new movies came to theaters.., i remember spending the night and eating sushi and juggling oranges at 2:00 in the morning.., i remember getting snowed in for 2 days and chasing a chicken and it outsmarting us..i remember us all trying to be witches.., i remember hawaii and james bond in white lennon, i remember going to see the stepford wives and then heading to carolina wings for jeffs going away party..and peter was there..

peter moved away and since we were all separated..we never had a party thing for him and now hes gone..and it sucks. bad.

i remember us being the only 2 that would laugh at the most random of things and no one else getting it or seeing it but us..

i remember rubbing off on carrie with who stares and who doesnt..
and our skip day and mr.bolick not wanting to get the hell away from your car..

i remember yearbook entries that took up the entire page telling each other that we were going to grow old and wrinkled together..where did that go? *sigh*

i remember when live journal was more popular..lol.

this makes me sad. blah.

what i want..just because.

2005-09-13T01:03:32Z

I WANT MORE TIME!

that stupid song, whatever its name may be speaks to me:
"Time is like gas and i never have enough.."
why is that so true
damn.

i want to get a haircut.

i want to get my motivation back for soccer.

i want to be able to run cross country and not dread doing it.

i want to have more time to sleep.

i want more time to spend with my friends.

i want people to stop talking about carrie.

i want people to accept people for who they are.

i want people to accept meredith for who she is.

i want my great grandmother to come back from the dead.

i want bobby to get over being a jerk and be my friend.

i want some twislers pull-n-peel.

i want more money so i can go shopping.

i want to spend more time with my waltie.

i want my mom to stop nagging me.

and im tired of naming my wants so im out.

later.

thestraydexter @ 2005-09-12T12:33:00

2005-09-12T16:33:59Z

im happy. :D

floating..

2005-09-07T18:10:52Z

crushes are fabulous.

thestraydexter @ 2005-08-29T19:52:00

2005-08-30T02:56:07Z

well..he got on his myspace today and commented on me telling him that he was a goober and changed the music and other mess..but he hasnt yet taken the picture of me away..what is that?! and its like 'my beautiful girlfriend'..wtf?! argh. blah on boys and their feeble minds. lol.
later.

thestraydexter @ 2005-08-28T08:25:00

2005-08-28T12:26:41Z

AND THE DRAMA IS OVER.
and as the great martin luther king jr. would say..
"im free..free at last"
♥

..hope dangles on a string..

2005-08-26T18:15:37Z

so today was just like any other day..cept i woke up extremely early again to run cross country so i wouldnt have to this afternoon and so i could devote all my time to my significant other. lol.
aka: bobbino ♥
so anyways..the day was the same and then rroo and i left for lunch and came back to find parker chasing us!! bastard was like you two need to leave!! and we were like ARGH so we jumped in rroos car and circled the school and found a spot (that was obvious because carrie has the only 05 stang at school)but hidden all the same. so we snuck in and then all the administrators happened to be on there walkies talking to each other and looking..idk. well we made it to myers room and she was like what did u guys do?!!? and we were like wtf. so then the lunch bell rang and we sat down and ate and i saw bobby and i tried to get his attention but he didnt see me i guess..blah. well then we had to leave really fast with the crowd so i couldnt wait on him to say bye. whatev. i doubt he would have wanted to see me anyways..thats just how i feel around him right now..(like somekind of unwanted annoyance)

maybe i should just stay single for the rest of my life because i cant seem to satisfy anyone with the way i am..meaning i resort to thinking about things waaay too much and then i feel like a complete and total loser.

tell me this..

why do we have crushes when someone is only going to be crushed in the end?

and why is that you can try so hard to make things work and it only seems to get worse?!

why do we think so damn much and why do we let hope dangle on a measly piece of string?

isnt it messed up how im just dying to be here..?

2005-08-23T22:21:56Z

so..carrie has gotten me back into updating this thing every once in a while..lol.
umm lets see..
ive gotten really used to coming home everyday after school and listening to emo
music. sad but true. yea..cross country is a bitch. but im still in it because
im not a quitter..
to be honest i dont get why challenging events/ situations seem to make me hold
onto them the longest?! WHY? maybe i learn more or get more out of it. who knows?
but since im mentioning challenges..let me mention a certain boy who im having
issues with:
first of all before we ever got complicated he was the nicest person and we had
sooo much fun together and we never got into arguements and so forth and so on.
now that were together the shit never ends and its like ahhhhhhhhhh but i dont
want to let it go because i seem to have some sort of wierd infatuation with him.
no im not obsessed or attached i just really really like him and it kills that i
think he seriously enjoys my company but idk. and he could seriously do a better
job of showing it if indeed he does and weve had talks about it over and over
again and nothing seems to work. and im trying to do the best i can with it but
everything is blowing up in my face and im becoming sad. me..sad..ha. but yea tis
true. i guess its because i thought things would work out and last or something
but now it seems like im holding onto a lost cause even though im still waiting on
some hint that things will maybe get better like i thought they might all along..
blah.
why does music with emo lyrics seem to always relate to something youve been through?
wtf. this is ghey. whatev.
anyways..all my classes have started now.
english 101 seems like its going to be hell
i keep forgetting that i have physics and thats going to end up catching up to me some how
and then american history 201 seems like a lot of work but awesome and i think that i
could def. meet some awesome people with that class.. hince 6 girls and 24 guys.
yes yes that is an 88% guy dominated class with the exception of like 4 of the guys
because theyre either old or fat. lol. but theres still 20 left!! ha. love.
and also at the time i have class there are like a gazillion scene/goth/emo kids
roaming everywhere..im like huh? but yea.
and walt informed me that he and allen are joining up with rec soccer so i could very
well be their ref if im so lucky. lol. i need money too and so soccer needs to hurry
up and start.
mmk well im outtie peace. ♥

thestraydexter @ 2005-08-01T13:49:00

2005-08-01T17:50:46Z

and now there is a boy who has my heart..
and a rroo that i love more..
and a danipoo that drives me coocoo with her
never ending love. lol
and a k2 who can finally drive.
and then there is me who is ready for an hour
and a half of school to begin.

thestraydexter @ 2005-07-06T09:11:00

2005-07-06T13:12:04Z

now its less than a month until school starts again. but this time i think i can deal.
where is rroo?

sigh

2005-04-29T02:07:10Z

..less than a month of school to go..
then on to better things <3

thestraydexter @ 2005-04-20T18:24:00

2005-04-20T22:28:45Z

..good times..

PICTURES!

2005-04-11T01:53:28Z

ask.

thestraydexter @ 2005-04-10T18:27:00

2005-04-10T22:27:52Z

Watch you on the one's and two's
Through a window in a well lit room
Become a recluse
And I blame myself cause I make things hard
and you're just trying to help
And when I wake up you're the first to call
This is one more late night basement song
and I'm so sore
My voice has gone to hell
This is one more sleepless night because we
don't believe in filler, baby
If I could I'd sit this out

(This is over when I say it's over)
This is a lesson in procrastination
I cut myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
means another lonely night I gotta race the clock
(I ignore it and it ignores me too)
Lets say we go and crash your car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door
So I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder
I'm another day late and one year older
It's failure by design

And we just want sleep
But this night is hell
I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself
cause I make things hard and you were just trying to help
I got no gas(no gas)
Winding out my gears
This is one more day on the verge of tears
And now my head hurts(head hurts)
And my health is a joke
And now I gotta stop because the headphones broke
We don't believe in filler, baby
If I could I'd sit this out

(This is over when I say it's over)
This is a lesson in procrastination
I cut myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
means another lonely night I gotta race the clock
(I ignore it and it ignores me too)
Lets say we go and crash your car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door
So I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder
I'm another day late and one year older
It's failure by design

I'm out of everything
No one sleeps till we get this shit out on the shelves
It's late, I'm faltering
This time I got nothin' to say besides...
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.(im a failure by design)
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.(im a failure by design)
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.(im a failure by design)
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Nothing to say besides...

(This is over when I say it's over)
This is a lesson in procrastination
I cut myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
means another lonely night I gotta race the clock
(I ignore it and it ignores me too)
Lets say we go and crash your car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door
So I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder
I'm another day late and one year older
I'm a failure by design

thestraydexter @ 2005-04-06T20:17:00

2005-04-07T00:18:36Z

..dance like no one is watching..

thestraydexter @ 2005-04-04T18:44:00

2005-04-04T22:55:27Z

spring break was pretty interesting i guess you could say.. *no complaints*
except for having a broken foot and earning the nick name 'Boot' O_o lol.
i went to waffle house last night with carrie and casey and then we wasted
some time at walmart battling with light sabers and wearing old woman hats??
good times..
school started back today and i was reminded that we have 35 days left..which
is quite unchoice and drab! school is ghey..and again..i had to walk around in
an ugly black boot all day..
mmk well im done
later.

"Drugs Or Me"

Stay with me
You're the one I need
You make the hardest things
Seem easy

Keep my heart
Somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows
Always keep me close

If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you're done
But i cant tell you from the drugs

Don't let go
Well dig a great big hole
Down an endless hole
We'll both go

You're so blind!
You can't save me this time
Hope comes from inside
And I feel so low tonight

If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs

I wish you could see
This face in front of me
You're sorry you swear it you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs

(Ohhhh)
(Ohhhh)

(take me) I need your help
(so far away) To pull me up take the wheel
(take me) Out from me
(so far away) Out from me

(Take me) If only you could see (I need your help)
(So far away) The stranger next to me (To pull me up take the pain)
(Take me) You promise you promise that you're done (Out from me)
(So far away) But I can't tell you from the drugs (Out from me)

(Take me) I wish that you could see (I need your help)
(So far away) This face in front of me (To pull me up take the wheel)
(Take me) You're sorry you swear it you're done (Out from me)
(So far away) But I can't tell you from the drugs (Out from me)

Keep my heart
somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows
always keep me close

thestraydexter @ 2005-03-28T12:25:00

2005-03-28T17:25:26Z

yesterday was a good day. :o)
<3